sex in high school: what's normal

One of the most common questions I get from teens is, "What's the average age to first have sex?"

There are two basic motivations for the inquiry. The first is basic curiosity. The second is the need for reassurance. Teens want to know that they are normal whether or not they have had sex.

So I am happy to be able to tell them they are. Why’s that? Mainly because studies have found that about half of all teens have had sex by the time they finish high school. That means the other half hasn't. Having sex or not, what these numbers say to me is that a lot of your peers are in the same boat.

So how do the numbers break down? According to the Kinsey Institute, a sexuality research organization based at the University of Indiana, the average age for males to have sex is 16.9 and for females it is 17.4.

Here’s their in depth breakdown of the percent of the population having sex by a certain age:

Males: 25% by age 15          
Females: 26% by age 15

Males:  37% by age 16
Females:  40% by age 16

Males:   46% by age 17          
Females:   49% by age 17

Males:   62% by age 18          
Females:   70% by age 18

Males:  69% by age 19
Females:  77% by age 19

Males:  85% by age 20-21
Females:  81% by age 20-21

Males: 89% by age 22-24    
Females: 92% by age 22-24 

In some ways, there's a lot of pressure to have sex. In others, teens get a very clear message to hold off. Either way, it's probably best to make your decision based on what you feel ready for, and not on what you think everyone around you is doing.

Photo provided by stillthedudeabides

Comments

[brit]

im nervous about sex, im 15 and im scared, wht if he doesnt like my body, what if im bad you know? but at the same time i just want to get it out of the way. im not sure what to do.

[Jackie]

My boyfriend and I had been together for two and a half years before we had sex.
He never asked me once to do it(we were both virgins) and one day I just decided to ask him if he wanted to, and he was ready.
(I was 16 he was 17)
We tried a few times before it actually worked, and once it did it was wonderful.
Painful the first time, but that didn't matter.
We've now been together 3 and a half years and we still have an amazing relationship and it isn't all about sex either.
Sex is just the icing on the cake ;)

[elane]

when you have sex you are sharing a part of yourself with someone else. i thought about it and it's really deep. i want to make sure that the guy i do that with will be with me forever. so i will get married first. i think that if people waited until marrage there would be a lot less abandoned children so i think i sould do my part with that cause. i mean, condoms and other forms of birth control work a lot of the time but on the rare occasion it didn't i would not want to be stuck with a kid. just sayin'

[Lanny]

Okay, sex isn't as big a deal as everyone makes it out to be. It's not a "special" thing. It's actually really painful your first timee . I personally don't think it's worth "waiting" for. because it's pretty pointless. Although, it does start to feel REALLY good after the first few times :)

& Im Fifteeeen.
Donnn't haate :)

[Lanny]

Okay, sex isn't as big a deal as everyone makes it out to be. It's not a "special" thing. It's actually really painful your first timee . I personally don't think it's worth "waiting" for. because it's pretty pointless. Although, it does start to feel REALLY good after the first few times :)

& Im Fifteeeen.
Donnn't haate :)

[Floosy4ABoozin']

Wholey shit. have sexx as sooon as you kan! it feels so nice. especially if you grab his balls and lick em. and then he mounts you from behind. oh yeah SCREAM IT OH YEAH! why wait? it's so nice right now.

[Heather]

I believe everyone has his or her right time. As long as you've thought about it I believe you can have sex or love at any age. I am not waiting for marriage, just for someone special. I am 18 and have been in serious love once. He didn't break my heart or anything we just kind of drifted away, I went to college. We never did anything, but I always wished it had been him. I am still a virgen, and that's mostly because I keep holding on to the thought that there is still a chance me and him could be together. I have since started to develop feelings for other people, but I can't bring myself to go any further. I just don't want to be with any guy before him. I know it's delusional. Well maybe one day it will happen for me. I just don't know with whom.

P.S.- Anytime I was with a guy physically, just kissing, I felt guilty afterwards. I just don't want to feel guilty after my first time.

Thanks for reading, good luck in all of your descisions.

[Nancy]

The media is constantly throwing scenes of teens and adults being sexual, whether in TV shows, commercials, or magazines. Young girls see movies about romantic relationships and get excited, and want to experience that. For adults to think that's not going to happen is ridiculous if they're allowing their child to be subject to the media, which is very most likely the case. Whether this is even a problem or not (aside from pregnancy, STD's, and STI's, which can easily be prevented)is also debatable.

[CARA]

WHEN THE TIME COMES THE TIME COMES YOU CAN'T STOP TEENAGERS FROM HAVIN SEX THATS THEIR CHOICE LIKE YOU CAN'T STOP TEENAGERS FROM DRINKING OR SMOKING OR DOIN WHAT EVER.

[anonymous]

I personally think it is better to wait till after your married.
However I have found it is so seldom that it actually occurs.
I found out even my own parents didnt wait till marriage. It was long before they were married.
It broke my heart.
Girls, think about what your future children will think later on when they look up to you as role models and then suddenly find out you had sexual intercourse before you even got married. How do you think they would see you then?

[Katie is awesome]

I'm 13 but I want to have sex sometimes but then after I'd be like " I was such a horny bitch" it's so weird. But although I'll lose it earlier then planned I'd like it 2 months after my 17th bday.

[miranda]

Soo.. I lost my virginity about a week after i turned fifteen. And. It wasn't to a boyfriend, just a boy that I had been dating. I think people make WAY too big of a deal of sex. I think people need to not worry so much about kids having sex, but teaching them about safer sex. Teenagers have sex. Dumb teenagers have babies :) Oh and, You don't have to be in love to have sex. We're all horny sick fucks, haha :P

[unknown]

i dont know if im ready to have sex yet, im 14 and this guy that i know says that he wants to have sex with me but im just scared that if i do get pregnant because the condom doesnt work, how i would like say anything to my parents, im just overly comfuzed.

[Lissie Jane]

Sadly alot of people lose their virginity while they are drunk, also quite a few lose it when they dont want to ( being forced to )

Im 15 and im not at all planning on waiting. Im not saying that i plan on jumping straight into it, but ive been talking with my 'Him' and we've basically sorted it so that we are ready for when it does happen. Like im planning on going on the pill ASAP, hes going to take protection wuth him when hes comes on holiday with mee, so i think that its all good to at any age you feel comfortable at.

[Steph]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years now. We are really close and have been through a lot. We have moved halfway across the country together and spend the night at eachothers house. However because of religous and personal reasons we have both decieded to "save" ourselves for marriage. We want it to be special and meaningful instead of one time that we can't distinguish from another.

I can't lecture to deep, but I can say remember that it will never be the same again after you have sex. Remember you don't get your virginity back. Also, remember that whoever has sex with you is sharing your previous sex partners and visversa. Above all wait until you are ready, mature, and prepared. Sex can and usually does have its complications. While it is fun in the moment disease and teen pregnancy runs rapid. THINK before you ACT! Once you turn you can't go back

[hanabanana]

i am 15 years old, i dated this guy for about 4 months and ended up doin some stuff with him, but wen we split up he told his friend everything and i felt really let down by him. We came close to having sex but looking back now im glad i didnt because although i felt ready at the time (i was 14)i think i would have regretted it if i had. I also know how it feels to want a baby as i know i would be a great mother, but at the moment i have no way of supporting a child, which be unfair to it, and also it would impact on the rest of my life i wouldnt be able to finish my education and fulfil my dreams and id have no social life and some pretty unfair generalisations
One of my friends had a baby at 15 and im so proud of her as she is a strong and confident young woman with a beautiful baby boy, but personally id rather wait.

[Nikia]

I think the most important thing to always remember about sex is that, you do it when you feel you are ready.DONT LET ANYONE PRESSURE YOU

[khadee]

We are people. People will have sex. All this talk about what age is soo unnceccesary. Like come on. No matter who "saves" themselves, or who does it at 12. This topic will never end. How can anyone make percentages about the age people have sex at. There are about 7 billion people (recorded) in the world. Honestly...who cares. EVERYBODY has a different story. Just do you. Sex is natural. Just like we eat, just like we breathe.

[girl]

I lost it at 21... I didn't "wait" on purpose. I just refused to have sex for the sake of it. Going through the motions vs. completely lost in the moment... feeling lost is definitely worth the wait :)

[Brittany]

I'm 15, and I lost my virginity about...oh, five or six months ago (Still fifteen at that time)

I've been dating the same guy for almost year now, and we have a very mature relationship. Whoever said girls have sex with their hearts, and guys have sex with their penises is..well...not correct and stereotyping guys as sex craved people.
Girls have sex with their vaginas...big whoop. It's different for all kind of people.

[rawrgirl]

To be honest, I'm not surprised.
Although I'm not waiting until i'm married, I'm waiting until I'm READY which is different.
It doesn't really have to be a question of love, but are YOU ready for the emotional experience, the possible letdown, and maybe even some bad surprises?
crista: I totally agree, but it doesn't necessarily mean hetero-sex. :)

[hannah]

thats really scary. 1 in 4 people have had sex by the time they are 15? wow. wow. i hope that not toomany 8th graders are having sex.

[stephanie]

Males: 62% by age 18
Females: 70% by age 18
My boyfriend of 19 months and i are defying the odds and we're going to keep defying the odds =]
However, the stats are quite shocking. I started hearing that people weren't virgins anymore during my senior year in high school and i was always surprised. I do think sex is really hyped up in today's society.

[ivanna]

one time.
me and vlad had sexy good in high school.
that was one time.
then in office of school.
ivanna likes rolly chairs.
vlad says yay.
he likes rolly too.
one time, we had sexy time all night.
in rolly. chair.

=)

[fez2309]

They used to say that college was the time when everyone "experiments". But now it's basically high school that is the time for experimenting. If you think you're ready then I say do it. If you're having second thoughts, even in the back of your mind, maybe you're not ready. To me sex is only human. If you are afraid of what other people are going to say, choose your mate (lol) wisely. I believe that stuff shouldn't be shared, it's personal and between you and that person (or people?). Remember high school is filled with childish " young adults".

[Kazaam!!!]

I lost my virginity to a guy i had only seen once and known for about a week, and had only talked to him 3 times.

[Roxie]

Bunnie,

I am a christian girl. And I lost my virginity on January 31st this year. It was a mistake, but only because I realized that I could've waited for that. Guys are not the ony people who have sex just to do it. Im not a hoe, but one time i told a guy that he wasn't worth me forming a relationship and that all I wanted was sex. So some girls are fully capable of ignring the supposed "emotional" aspects of sex.

It wonderful that your saving yourself, that doesn't necessarily make you smart either. I never wanted to save myself for marriage because look at it this way: When your daughter asks you about your sex life because she is on the verge of having one, what advice can you give her? You've only been with one person. But I digress because I am engaged and I have been celibate for a while now and so is my beau we are saving each other for marriage. Not because we are saved, born-again christians, but because we love each other and we want to share the special bond together, with one another.

[kailyn]

by the way, im 16, forgot to ad it to my last message about losing my virginity.

[kailyn]

well i personally think that u should wait as long as you can. i just lost my virginity about 2 weeks ago, not thinking it through so well. i had made a promise to myself that i wasnt going to lose it til after high school. then i got all caught up with this guy i was dating for...maybe 2 months. we were pretty close, more in a sexual way than any other way. he kept pushing me to break the boundries iv set for myself...and eventually one day we were at his house and it resulted in sex.

it was not wat i wanted it to be, or expected it to be. i now realize that sex is as much emotional as a physical experience. you have to have some kiind of connection and love for eachother to truely enjoy it. yes, it was wonderful, but the whole time i was thinking:i just broke my promise. i disrespected myself. my mom. my family. im going to have to lie now. this guy doesnt even love me, and 2 days after we broke up. basicly you have to think about if you really want to lose it, and dont just do it cus ur partner wants u to, like iwas stupid enough to. ul regret it. i think about it every day it sucks.

[Shimmer]

I am 14 myself and am going to wait until marrage. I think that everybody has to decide what they are going to do with there body themselves. I know I'm not ready for sex and it would be some much more specail to me if it was when I was married and with I was with somebody I totally and completely loved. That is just how I feel personally.

[Lemon]

No offense, erin, but that's a really misleading analogy. Clearly, you're not in a very good sex-ed class if they're implying that sex is somehow "dirtying" to a person, and that a sexually experienced person is unclean. There's nothing wrong with having sex before marriage. It's a perfectly natural activity, and I really wish there wasn't all this social stigma against it. It's everyone's own decision.
And I don't really think we're at that stage in history anymore where every guy wants to marry a virgin (unless the teacher was referring to extremist muslim guys). I assure you there are plenty of rational guys out there who don't care, or who even prefer a girl who knows what she's doing.

[Erin]

I am 18, and decided at age 11 for both personal and religious reasons, to wait until I'm married to have sex. Some people think it's better not to wait, especially guys. But girls, do you really want to marry a guy whose had sex with other girls? I was once given an analogy in sex ed class: If your husband asks you for a drink, would you give it to him in a dirty glass?

Not all guys are sexually active but I was also told this. Every guy wants to marry a virgin but no guy wants to be one. I don't know how accurate that is but something to think about.

[Elizabeth]

Bunnie,

I'm sorry that you think so little of guys in general. I feel bad for girls that believe that guys can't see sex as an emotional experience. That's probably what they taught you in church: that guys have such a knawing need for sex that they'll do anything to get it and never turn it down if its offered. Guys are fully capable of valuing sex as an expression of love or as an emotionally significant experience. It's selling them short to treat them otherwise.

The benefits of sex are much greater than you know or care to acknowledge. The kind of bond you can develop through sex with a committed partner is one that's difficult to develop any other way. It is fun and it does feel good, which isn't something to belittle either.

[Bunnie]

I''m 15 and I've chosen abstinence until marriage. Partially because i'n Christian, partially because i'm smart. Sex feels good, but how long will that euphoria last? an hour or so, if even that much. Then there is an array of consequences you might possibly have to deal with. And for girls who do it out of love, remember, Girls have sex with their hearts. Guys have sex with their penises.
=]

[Brooke]

Im now 18 and lost my virginity at 16. I loved him and we had been dating for a year and half on and off, so we mutually decided it was time. After it tho, he wanted to have sex everytime we were together and our relationship seemed as if that is all he wanted. I couldn't see him over the Christmas Break and he cheated on me. As it turns out, all he wanted was the sex.
I have no regrets about losing my virginity and I dont believe that it is a bad thing. Sex is amazing, when you are ready for it and can emotionally handle it.
I have been in some relatonships where the whole thing was based on sex and I have been in some where sex was put in the backseat to us just being around each other, even though we were able to whenever we wanted to since we are in college.
Bottom line-if you feel ready, make it special. I have never forgotten my first time and never will. Don't be drunk or high and be smart. Use some form of protection. There is nothing worse than breaking up with someone and the possibility that you could be carrying his child and he not know it.

[misstrish]

ok...so i am actually shocked that so many ppl are doing it. i'm 16 and haven't even been on a date. O.O but honestly, it hasn't been all that big a deal. it's not like i'm a huge chasity pusher or against sex or whatever, i just have never really liked someone enough 2 date them. i'll prolly date evenually, but 4 now it's no big deal.

[Molly]

I dont think Sex is to do with Love when its your first time. Im fourteen and lost it a few months ago. Although I do love my boyfriend thats not why I did it, I think its great that people wait til they find the right person to 'give it' to but they shouldnt judge people that arent in love.

[Crystal Johnson]

well i been fuckin since the 3rd grade an proud of it

[Crystal Johnson]

the first time i had sex i was in the 4th grade and me an my man been 2gether every since the 1st grade an i love him

[Elizabeth]

I first had sex when I was almost 19. My boyfriend and I had been dating since we were 16. Our physical relationship developed really slowly, probably because we had almost no privacy. His house was always full of people and mine always had people around and we had a "always keep the door open" policy for my room. We both couldn't drive til we were like 17 and then he only got a car after we both graduated.

Near the end of our senior year, we finally decided we wanted to have sex. I got all prepared by asking my mom to take me to the doctor to go on the pill. We tried sporadically throughout the summer to finally do it, but we had issues. I learned later I had my pelvic muscles so tight from being nervous that he couldn't actually get inside me. We tried the whole summer and then every time when we visited eachother while I was away at college. We got really discouraged, but bonded over our mutual frustration. Then finally during winter break, 3 months before I turned 19, we actually succeeded in having sex.

We've been together for almost 4 and 1/2 years. Sex for us is a way to bond and be close to eachother in this way we can't doing anything else. Not to mention its fun and relaxing. We get to experiment and play around. We get to laugh or be serious or passionate.

I've never regretted for a second having him be the first (and only) guy I've had sex with. But it took me a long time to reach a place where I was ready and wanted to have sex. Even when I was at that place, it still didn't work, so when it finally did I was thrilled. Plus I didn't have any high expectations about my first time. Like anything else, sex takes practice.

[ash]

I first had sex when i was 15. I dont regret it. I was sick of being a virgin, it had noithing to do with loving the guy. Sex can be enjoyable, and i just didnt want to be a virgin, lol. The guy and I only knew each other for a couple weeks, and we werent really dating. lol it sucked, he barely lasted a minute, and my first thought when he slid in was "Is it in yet?"lol. So many girls equate sex, or having sex with someone, as love. I think im one of the few that can distinguish those euphoric feelings after sex as endorphins and dopamine and know its not real love. I think thats the best way to loose your virginity, to loose it to someone you dont care about that much, so you dont feel heartbroken if things dont work out. Theres too much importance placed on virginity.
For the poor little 13 year old who did a "report" on condom use for school...yeah not wearing a condom and wearing a condom are not equally the same and ineffective. Using a condom properly every time is 95% - 98% effective. I should know, I was with a guy for almost a year, and we had sex quite a bit, and always used a condom, and I wasnt on birth control at the time. Guess what? I didnt get pregnant!

[anon]

Well i really want a baby and its getting me down a lot i cry a lot too and the only reason why i am not having a baby is because of my age im only 13 and i know u think that im just a stupid little girl but u dont understand!im not that type of girl but it is really getting me down please email me on..............deanna4jan@hotmail.co.uk

[rachael]

look i am 13 years old and i think you shouldnt have sex untill u r mariied. for school i had to do a research on how much condoms protect against pregnacys and one condom would be just like wearing no condom so why even wear it. if u want to be fully protected u would have to wear 100 condoms to be safe and not get pregnate. and u mightbe "in love" but things could change. i mean my sister and her boyfriend we all thought that they would be together forever but they broke up after 5 years of dating. and they were in love. but u know its your choose when you want to have sex.
thanks for reading my opinon

[zenobia]

hell, i didnt even know sex was in the fashion until i turned 18...guess i was a bit delayed...well i'm glad i waited. honestly i think at 15 ur not mature enough to have sex...do you actually know what love truely is at 15????????

[katerina]

me nd my then boyfriend were together for 6 months. i was 14 nd he was 16 . everything was going fine so we decided to have sex. we did nd realized we rele enjoyed it. we continued to go out throughout high shool . i can honestly say we loved each other very much . so he went into his first year of college nd everthing was still fine. we were so happy nd in love. so they second year of college he started changing. he became a little more "distant" from me but we were still okay. he began drinking nd smoking pot with his "new" friends. he cheated on me at a party where my friends were nd he didnt even care. we broke up nd like an idiot i continued to communicate with him. wen things started getting better i find out he has been in a relationship with the grl nd been having sex with her a lot

so my point is, guys are amazing nd u might believe he is "the one" but things can easily change

also the 2 year gap was ok in high school but its much harder after one is 19. theyre going through a different time period where they might want more

lastly, be careful with the decisions u make bc u might one day regret them . and ALWAYS KEEP UR GUARD UP

[melrose]

I pretty much agree with kelly. I'm 17 and still a virgin, I've never been in love so I don't feel the need to ever have sex until I'm with someone I'm truly in a love with and in a commited relationship with. Sex can be a beautiful thing when used correctly. I personally feel its kind of gross so many teens are having casual sex because I don't feel there's anything casual about it. I'm not judging but even though many teens feel they're "in love" I just don't see it. As a teenager, you're cnstantly searching, trying to find who you are and what your place in this world is. How can you get to know someone on such a deep level that only true love can bring when you hardly know who you are? I feel the issue of maturity plays a major role in sexuality and relationships. These numbers honestly aren't surprising though, sex has, in most cases, become something casual that teens and aults alike feel as "no big deal".
This certainly isn't to offend anyone, this is just how I personally feel on the subject of teen sex and/or sex in general.

[ari]

im 15 now, and i have been very very to close to sex in many many times. i personally believe that the ''if you are in love'' thing is bullshit. i've been close to having sex with a lot of guys, random guys, guys i loved, and guys i just liked, and i believe that we just go for it, just for pure pleasure and lust. and dont tell me that its because i've never been in love, cause trust me, i have.

sometime we just want to try it, and that desire comes about my age...so lets be clear, some teens have more focus on other stuff than sex. thats all.

[Kelly]

Personally, I feel like if I'm not ready to deal with the possible consequences of sex (having a baby, illness, etc.) I shouldn't have it. Right now, I'm 15 and completely dependent on my parents, and not even in just the living-in-their-house physically sense. I'm not ready to take care of myself on my own yet. Therefore, I'm not ready for the emotional and physical things that go with a relationship that is (in my opinion, of course) mature enough to have sex.

Please understand that I'm not saying anyone who's done it before then is a skank or anything. This is just how I feel, and I'm not forcing it on anybody.

Thanks

[dede]

i personaly think you should wait till your about 15 or 16 it depends if your in love or not but make sure to wear a condom you dont want to get pregnat so young well at least i wouldnt want to take care of a baby i want to go to all the parties and be skinny not a fat teen that accadently got pregnat because of some stupid condom!!!!

[cyanid3]

I lost my virginity at 16, to a guy who was 15. We were dating for 2 years when we decided to lose it...That was a year ago, and we're still together. It all just depends on how you feel.

It might sound bad to say you lost your virginity at 15 or 16, only because a lot of people who are losing it then are being irresponsible and are only doing it to fit in, or are pressured.

If you're in love, there's nothing wrong.