virginity pledges don't necessarily offer protection

A few weeks ago, I showed my ninth grade health class the documentary, The Education of Shelby Knox. The film is about Shelby, a small-town Texas teen who is able to reconcile her Southern Baptist upbringing with her belief in the need for sex education.

We watch Shelby take her virginity pledge (in her pre-activist days). During the ceremony, she promises her parents--and God--that she won't have sex until she's married.

I teach in Brooklyn, NY, and this concept was totally alien to my class. To them, the idea of standing between your parents, having your father slip a ring on your finger, while vowing not to have sex, just seemed gross. As one student said, "It's like she's marrying her dad!" Another simply let out an, "Ewww."

For a lot of teens, however, this is pretty standard stuff. Once a year, some organization with a name like, "The Silver Ring Thing" or "True Love Waits" will turn up at your school and offer everyone an opportunity to pledge. Generally, pledges aren't required, but in a lot of circles, kids who don't pledge stand out. In some, reputations are even ruined by refusals. As Shelby says of her pledge in the film, "It's just what a good Southern Baptist girl does."

I have a few problems with all this. Here's a partial list:

• Most of the groups leading the pledges are connected to Christian organizations, yet many operate in the public schools.
• Not all teens are virgins, and pledges impose one of set values on everyone.
• Pledges exclude kids who are GLBT and don't have the option of getting married.
• For victims of sexual assault, public pledges can be extremely painful.
• Some groups offer "secondary virginity" pledges for kids who have already had sex. (Last time I checked, pledging won't cure STDs someone may have gotten in their "primary virginity" days.)
• It's a lot easier for a 6th grader to promise virginity than it is for a 16-year-old. Yet older teens are expected to stand by things they said as middle schoolers. It gets worse. Studies have found that although kids who pledge usually delay having sex longer than kids who don't, pledges are often broken long before marriage. And when pledgers do have sex, it is a lot less likely to be protected. That's because many of these teens never learned about safer sex. Others feel so guilty about having sex that they can't bear the idea of doing anything to prepare, like getting condoms. The result? A higher rate of sexually transmitted infections than are found among non-pledgers.

Though virginity pledges don't seem to have made it to my part of the country yet, I'd love to hear about it if they've made it to yours.

Comments

[stompy]

i totally respect people who decide to wait till marriage because of their religion, or for personal reasons, but i think it's wrong for religious organisations to go into public schools and get public pledges from kids who aren't sure what sex is, haven't yet experienced sexual feelings and still call penises "peepees".

[laura]

i made a personal choice not to have sex
and where a purity ring not to just wait till im married though. i think that when i lose my virginity its not going to be to some horny teenage boy who dumps me the next day, its going to be someone who i truly love
who knows if its going to be before or after im married .

[Caity]

I am 15 years old and i actually made that pledge in the 7th grade. Actually ever since i've recieved my purity ring its been 2 small so i am re-taking the pledge. i find it really easy to pledge to stay a virgin until i am married.I possibly find this so easy because I am scared that if i have sex at an early age the guy will leave me after words because he got what he wanted. Making the pledge has made it easier for me, because i don't feel that kind of pressure. even though i am still scared that once i do get a boyfriend (i'm currently single) he will leave me because i will refuse 2 have sex. but i think it was easier to make the pledge in my teen years, because now as a teenager i have a better understanding of what sex is and why its so important to wait to have it until i am married. a 6th grader signs because the organization came to their school and follows their religion so they think its a good idea, even though they don't understand sex.

[Janae]

Pledging was one of the most AMAZING things I have ever done in the 20 years of my life.

I had never heard of the concept even growing up in church, but one of my friends had come to me with it and we went through a 8 week course about it when I was 14 and I took the pledge.

When I was 17 I decided that I actually wanted a ring so at my 18th birthday we had a huge party where I wore a white dress similar to a wedding dress and we had a ceremony that was done by my pastor and I was presented with my diamond ring that I just love. I am so happy to someday be able to present my ring to my husband on my wedding day to show that I followed God and waited for him.

Now 2 years from getting my ring I am a Jr. Youth Leader at my church and I teach about pledging to our teenagers and it is an amazing feeling to be able to spread the word of this amazing thing!

[Janae]

Pledging was one of the most AMAZING things I have ever done in the 20 years of my life.

I had never heard of the concept even growing up in church, but one of my friends had come to me with it and we went through a 8 week course about it when I was 14 and I took the pledge.

When I was 17 I decided that I actually wanted a ring so at my 18th birthday we had a huge party where I wore a white dress similar to a wedding dress and we had a ceremony that was done by my pastor and I was presented with my diamond ring that I just love. I am so happy to someday be able to present my ring to my husband on my wedding day to show that I followed God and waited for him.

Now 2 years from getting my ring I am a Jr. Youth Leader at my church and I teach about pledging to our teenagers and it is an amazing feeling to be able to spread the word of this amazing thing!

[adanarama]

Yeah, I heard about this... A junior at my school who was doing a survey about teen sexuality asked us our opinion about pledges and read off some scary statistics. If I'm remembering correctly, girls who pledge are nine times more likely to say yes to oral sex and four times more likely to say yes to anal because they think it doesn't count. From an STD perspective, it definitely counts, and there's still a chance of pregnancy if they're sloppy about it and/or don't use a condom.

[Lilgirlsdontcry]

If you pledge, can you still masturbate or have oral sex? I'm more interested in masturbation, though, so i dont really care about sex right now. I might pledge.

[Candied Sugar]

If you want to abstain? Promise YOURSELF and if you're religious, OK, God. But it shold be for you. As someone who wants to wait until her twenties to have sex- with a guy at least (the idea of possible teenage pregnancy does not appeal)- I hate the idea that I would promise my parents, because it's nothing to do with them.

And you don't need a fancy ring or card to do that. You just need to say no.

[Caitlyn]

When I was 11, I bought myself a True Love Waits ring at a Christian bookstore. There was no fancy ceremony, my dad didn't give it to me, it was just a personal decision for me. I knew I was too young to be having sex or anything, so I promised myself, my family, and God that I would save that part of me for the guy that I would marry, the one I'd be with forever.

Now I'm going on 15. September 2008 will be 3 years since I got my ring. I have had a boyfriend for over a year, and I love him to death. He's 16, and he's a Christian too and has signed a commitment card. We hang out all the time and have never had sex. We've had plenty of opportunities, if we had wanted to, but we're respecting each other and our future spouses.

We hope that our future spouses will be each other, but if we don't end up married, I'll have no regrets.

[Ria]

I'm right in thinking this is America, yeah? Am I thankful I don't live over there. No, virginity pledges have not made it across the pond, and I don't think they ever will, unless we actually start to take religion and no sex before marriage seriously, which we won't.

Christian organistations that ask you to make your pledge before God when you go to a state school are just wrong. You don't see any Buddhist or Islamic organisations attempting to get you to sign over your virginity.

Don't get me wrong, virginity pledges are perfectly acceptable when you're fully informed of what they'd call the horrors, oops, I mean negatives and reproductive aspects of sex. I guess these organisations won't go into what is called the 'Joys of Sex' as it is a purely reproductive function that doesn't send waves of pleasure through your body when you have an orgasm, or hepl to relax, or feel as physically close to another person and you can. No, no, of course it doesn't do those thing. Only bad people have sex when they don't want children.

No-one should be asking a 10 year old to promise they'll never have sex until they're married. If you're going to be asked at all you should be of age, because then at least you'll have had sex ed, and technically you should be having sex until you hit that age.

And come on, if you were that informed about sex when they asked you, you could have made a pledge to yourself, not something that's signed and sealed with no return address.

So, in summary, I think virginity pledges are perverse and controlling when the person in question is unable to make a fully informed and individual decision because of age and/or lack of unbiased information. Otherwise your a victim to peer/parental/organisation pressure.

P.S. Phew, that was a pretty hefty piece.

[Kassandrai Thorman]

I disagree. And I would never sign a little card like that. We had the same thing in our school about drugs and they posted them out in the hall. My HR teacher was trying to get me to sign one and I flat out refused. Not that I am not doing drugs but I am not signing something that will just make the school look good. No freaking way.

[Nicole]

I think it's perfectly fine to take the pledge when you're old enough to really understand the weight of your decision (like at least in high school). I don't personally believe in it, but it's just fine if you feel that you have to be married to feel secure enough to have sex. I think everyone should wait until they're totally ready. What bothers me is that many people say that only intercourse counts. Consider this: Who's more innocent? The girl who's given 50 blow jobs or the girl who's had intercourse once?

[Alyssa]

I personally have never Signed the pledge, and I never plan on doing so, In my own personal Experience I think I'll know when I am ready or when I should wait a little longer. I've been pretty good so far. However my best friend did take the peldge and I've neer been prouder of her. She has a strong tie to religion and I have nothing but high respect for her. She made that decision for herself and her god, and even thoguh I dont share those rules, I still think its awesome that she commits herself like that, and still lives on in todays Sexual energize society. What I hate most is when people mock her for the ring. And It has happen. In grade 9 One our girlfriends wouldnt let her go about it and it really tore her up. That leaves such a sense of immaturity on the other girl, because it's a hard thing to pledge around here. I wish people would take the time to respect people Desicions in these matters, I choose to not sign the pledge and my best friend did, that doesnt mean that were still not as tight as we once were. In fact ITs brought us closer for the respect we have for each other.

[Fabby]

I think that no sex before marriage is absolutely ridiculous.

If I can share an emotional bond with someone before I'm married (after all, no one meets Mr. Right on their first shot) why can't I share a physical bond with them as well? Is it really that big of a leap?
Why is "saving yourself" such a big deal anyway?

So many people don't look at it realistically. Even if you don't want to have sex NOW, look into the future. When you have a boyfriend, a serious boyfriend, and you two are one day left alone together and things are getting pretty heavy... will you be able to resist?
What about the second time that happens?
The third?

I don't think people look that far into things. Nobody takes it seriously enough. That's why I think virginity pledges are 90% stupid.
Because people make them but have no dedication to them.
If you really want to do this, then you shouldn't need a ring or a ceremony. You just simply don't have sex.

[emmi]

On October 10, 2002, I was a seventh grader. I also that day signed a pledge card of my own free will that I would be sexually abstinent until I entered a marriage relationship. I did it because I do believe that true love will wait for you. Today is January 22, 2008. Over 5 years later, I still carry that laminated card and have even invested in a ring for myself to wear to show that I intend to make good on that promise. It's not just a promise to my God, it's a promise to myself as well. If that's not your style, all I can say is be smart about it. To those who have chosen the same path as me: more power to you, you can do it!!!

[kris]

like someone had mentioned before, i don't think it needs to be shown of in a ceremony and a with a ring, if u were serious to remain a virgin until you marry then thats a personal decision you make for yourself you can make that pledge to yourself anywhere and at anytime... it dos not need to be shown of to the world. i go to a catholic school in Australia and i have never heard of this before, yes we are taught about abstinence, but the school isnt stupid and navie thats why they make sure we learn about sti's and such things during PDHPE, as for pledging, they would never suggest that idea... it just seems to intrude in your own personal way of thinking. Someone's own personal decision does not need to be shown off in such a way.

[Nika]

I do not believe in no sex before marriage. In fact, I think that it is more healthy to get to know each other in every way, including physically, before taking such an important decision as deciding to live with each other for the rest of life.
Most of my friends and my parents had sex before marriage, and that does not make them bad people, nor did it ruin their lives etc. I love these people and cherish them, as they do me.
But thats just my opinion, and I realise that it doesn't fit everybody, just like people who believe in abstinence should realise that their opinion does not always apply to other people. We shouldn't judge one another for that either.

[Cait]

I've never heard of those people coming to school. I feel like that is so unnecessary. In religious schools, it is understood and expected, however in a public school? That's just not right. If they came to my school I would feel so pressured and uncomfortable in a situation like that.

[Addison]

I took a pledge some years ago, I'm now 15. My parents gave me a purity ring, and I wear it to this day, and I will until my wedding day. I look at it through a religious and emotional point of view, and it was 100% MY decession. I never signed anything because my teacher said it wasn't a contract, it was an agreement with God. It's also a really good way to tell who just wants in your pants, because often guys are like "Why do you wear a ring on your wedding finger" and I just reply, "It's a purity ring" "No sex" they'd ask "No sex" I'd reply. The nice guys don't care the others leave me alone. I've seen how pre-marital sex has messed up people and I didn't want to be one of those people. It was my choice, so before you go bashing people and their choices, realize the like it. Sepreation of church and state is a bogus way for people to ignor their problems. And condoms aren't always protective, nor is the pill, or spermicid. Do your research kids, it's deeper than that.
Love,
Me

[Sydney]

I've never taken one because I simply don't think I need a "ritual", if you will, about what I'm choosing for myself. People need to be completely informed about all aspects of sex in my opinion, biological and emotional, and make a choice for themselves.

It's almost like reverse peer pressure if you're not making the choice for yourself.

[Gaia]

Oh for goodness sake, how patronizing. Why don't we have a "alcohol pledge" ring too, or perhaps a "no marijuana for me" necklace. It's things like this that make it seem as though the entire world is having sex, and only a weird, elite few who wear a ring on their finger are still chaste.

[Mandy]

I've heard of things like these, and had a friend once who got one from her church. But I have NEVER heard of them coming to schools. I'm not sure if they just don't do it in Canada altogether or in some places they do. Personally, I believe that schools shouldn't promote them because it is one's personal choice. If someone wanted to wait until marriage and decided they wanted a formal ring or whatever, thats their choice. If people just believe in whenever they feel ready, so be it. It's not a school's job to persuade students to stay abstinant, they should just inform us on safe sex that includes healthy and unhealthy relationships, STD's & STI's, contraceptives and also abstinance. Inform not sway.

[amber]

Well i personally dont see virginity pledges as a bad thing. I dont see why some people are so agaisnt them. I mean it is a personal choice to remain a virgin untill you are married and i think its great to officically come out with your beleifs and make a promise to God and yourself to wait to have sex.I have never had anybody at school come and speak or anything like that, in fact my godmother was the one who told me about it and i thought it was a great idea. Although it is sometimes hard, with societys message to teens saying its ok to have sex, i have never reggreted pledgeing to remain a virgin until marrige.

[Ana]

i took that abstinence vow when i was 13 and uninformed about sex. i then broke it at age 15 (two months till 16) when i fell in love with my very first boyfriend. i dont think that vow is very affective. besides, i hear it just leads to Anal sex anyway (which i wholey encourage by the way).

[Josephine]

i hate when ppl make a huge deal out of virginity, we dont have pledges at my school, and im so grateful for that! but we do have a speaker come in to talk about absitinance, i remeber my freshman year this woman went on about how freshman girls who date senior guys are stupid that they only want us for one thing and that one thing is sex, at the time i didnt find it offensive until end of freshman year i had my first boyfriend, and everyone in the school knew that a senior was dating a freshman and i was consantly reminded of how he only wanted me for one thing, but that wasnt true. he was a great guy and im glad he was my first boyfriend, we broke up after only several weeks but we're still close friends and if i had the chance to talk to that speaker i sure sould give her a piece of my mind. not every senior guy is a man whore and not ever freshman girl is desperate. i didnt have sex and ill loose it when im ready

[nicolet]

when i was in 6th grade, i signed one
im 16, and i know better. i dont want to have sex while im in school, reguardless if its high school or college.
and thats MY personal choice. i dont know who ill be from here to tomorrow, so i try to stay realistic.
being sexually active or not is a CHOICE. ITS A PRIVATE AND PERSONAL CHOICE!!! my parents would never force me to do that, because they know things are changing. its not like they;re saying "its okay to have sex. have all the sex you want." but they respect my choices.
i dont see why you have to show off your choice with "purity rings" and some big cermony.

[Hayley]

I signed a virginity pledge at the beginning of my sophomore year. I was 15. I thought that I was going to make it until I was married...I had never really had a serious boyfriend or anything so to me it was VERY likely that I was going to wait at the time. I go to a catholic school and we had a speaker come in [Jason Evert, he was very good] and he handed out pledge cards. I signed it. I was so positive that it wouldn't be hard because at the time I was active in my youth group and everyone I hung out with were virgins. But I drifted away from those people and I started hanging out with people who didn't view sex as taboo or bad...to them it was just anouther part of life. The summer after my sophomore year I lost my virginity and broke my pledge, I felt so guilty that when I had my wallet stolen [it contained my pledge card] I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to see the physical imagery of my guilt. I realize now that in signing it I was naive in what I thought my future would be.

[Hayley]

I signed a virginity pledge at the beginning of my sophomore year. I was 15. I thought that I was going to make it until I was married...I had never really had a serious boyfriend or anything so to me it was VERY likely that I was going to wait at the time. I go to a catholic school and we had a speaker come in [Jason Evert, he was very good] and he handed out pledge cards. I signed it. I was so positive that it wouldn't be hard because at the time I was active in my youth group and everyone I hung out with were virgins. But I drifted away from those people and I started hanging out with people who didn't view sex as taboo or bad...to them it was just anouther part of life. The summer after my sophomore year I lost my virginity and broke my pledge, I felt so guilty that when I had my wallet stolen [it contained my pledge card] I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to see the physical imagery of my guilt. I realize now that in signing it I was naive in what I thought my future would be.

[ovrated]

We don't sex pledges at our school, but we have a group that comes and talks about the disadvantages of sex before marriage and then they give everyone a peppermint on a piece of paper that says "sex is meant for marriage." I found it ridiculous and let the lady in charge know by promptly eating mine and 4 other people's mints. Many people at my school wear promise rings but they don't actually do the whole ceremony thing but it's still a promise between them, their parents and God. I find it ironic that these people happen to be some of the most sexually active people in my school.

[fire]

i totally agree with you!! i think that these so-called virginity pledges are barbaric and really if they are christian should stay away from my school! i am a lutheran and go to church every sunday, but haven't they heard of seperation of state and church? and i find thm creepy and just plain NOT useful! No one actually waits when they sign that thing, unless they are really pious in which case good for you and when you do have sex use a condom!

[deLizzle!]

I think that taking an abstinence pledge should be your own decision, not a parent's/guardian's decision. And I was raped twice when I was younger, and I still took a virginity pledge, because although I may not have my "technical" virginity, I still have my spiritual and emotional virginity. I think it's a good idea, but you have to want to commit to it. And I do think that they should have some kind of similar program for GLBT teens who want to wait.

[Amanda]

MTV made a movie about this once, it was really good. Its silly for parents to force their children to pledge their abstinence to them. I find the idea offensive for many reasons, mostly because I feel that the decisions i make about my body are my own, and partly because I am a lesbian and this is a religious affair that excludes people like me.