atrophy

ever felt all alone? rachel has too.

view comic:
atrophy

art & story by:
rachel nabors

Comments

[Elise]

It feels good knowing that i am not the only one with this problem, i only have had one best friend for about 6 years (and she moved away), and im 13, i pretty much try to lock myself from the world, and everyone trys to get me out, but the deep , dark, black hole inside me says to go away from everyone else. I walk past other girls and think about how i really never had friends. I had one best friend in 5th grade, but she abandoned me for the popular girls, and she forgot my 10th birthday. When she finnally relised that she missed it she called but i didn't answer it, what a friend she is. I no longer try to be happy anymore, im just failing more and more on my life. This comment says everything about me. I want to crush everyone that hurt me, on the outside im sad and depressed, but on the inside im angry and depressed. I can't see why people understand how it hurt the people near them. People need to forget about looks and concentrate on personalites. I hope someday, i might find love.

The world is ruining my life.

[Jenny]

wow... sometimes I feel like that, when I feel very alone and no one seems to know, and it's just such a patectic feeling. It's amazing how she can relate to it in this comix.

[Kat]

That was incredibly poetic and an amazing comic. I love how you can make both humorous and emotional, touching comics. I loved it.

[someone]

Somehow I take comfort in knowing that this isn't only my life story, this is the same for so many other girls...

Sad, because I'm only 12.

[Ash]

i've had maybe 3 or 4 friends.But i am going to 6th grade.I never had a friend since kindergarten

my life is pathetic

[Oasis]

Alex, it's not always that easy.
Some of us have a harder time finding the right words to say around people. Some of us are insecure about ourselfs and think that if we try to introduce ourselfs, they will reject us.
I know how she feels. You know those times when you feel stupid and embarrassed and wothless, like after being dumped? That's how some feel all the time.
I hope you understand her better.
Best of luck to anyone feeling this way <3
-Oa

[Hannah]

Rachel, I'm sure everyone feels that way at least once in their lives. I can honestly say that I know exactly how you feel. I feel like you just described my entire life in high school in that one comic.

Just a few months ago, I discovered that all of my friends were just poseurs. A closer friend kept warning me about them, but denial is such a strong feeling. Oh course, I can't call her much of a friend because she forgot about my 18th birthday last week.

I'm sorry, I must sound so bitter. I think winged was right, though. You are better off without fake friends.

Sometimes loneliness can be a good thing. I mean, some of the most powerful works of art are derived from feelings of despair, anger, and angst. I am an emotionalistic artist myself and I guess if it weren't for my "friends" I would have never made the fantastic art that came from my own hands.

Being lonely can get you to do things like motivate you to keep drawing and working hard. One of my philosophies is even when the harshest storm hangs over your head, eventually, the clouds will clear and you'll have your day in the sun. Keep hanging in there, Rachel.

[Alex]

STOP BEING SO DAMN DEPRESED!
Why not try talking to people every once and a while?
And where the hell is yr family?
talk to them?
jjjjjjeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzuuuuuuuuuzzzz
TALK TO SOMEBODY!

[Katherine]

i think............im going to...........cry....................

[Beliver]

I feel like this sometimes...like I'm fading into the shadows. I have friends, but when we talk, the conversation usually includes something that I can't relate to and I just become a 'thing' standing there. They don't even notice me when I walk away...I have 1 best friend but 'everyone' talks to her, even when I'm standing right next to her they ignore me. And that makes me wonder sometimes if she really needs me as a friend. I've been going to highschool for 4 years and half of them can't even spell my name... But recently, she comes to me with problems saying that I was the first one she could talk to about it. And that was my little bit of aceptance. :)

[kirbs]

Yeah. Very recently I started this blog on the subject of friends.
I have plenty to hang out with, they wronged my sister terribly wronged her just last week. So I have no desire lately to go hang out. Well.. my blog so far has been alot on the subject of friends. Check it out and leave comments if your interested. I am just now trying to figure out what it is I am feeling. Maybe you are feeling the same thing.

http://teenageopenheartsurgery.blogspot.com/

[babs]

at the risk of sounding stuck up, i am the opposite of this person. i have friends, mostly because i am outgoing. every time i see someone like this i try and be friendly, but in the end, its up to the person.

like "lyny" said, get involved with things related to your interests.
if you meet someone at one of these things, you already know that you have something in common!
be friends with people who are reliable but also value their independance, so that you have your own time as well.

good luck!! if you really want this, you can do it.

[lolita]

wow this is the most depressing thing ever. Sometimes I feel like this, like yesterday I was ridiculously bored and I'm like where the fuck are all my friends? So I was just about to go to the mall (by myself) to apply for jobs to keep myself busy during the summer because I don't have enough friends to keep myself occupied, when I texted this guy and I REALLY needed a place to go and I called up my "best friend" whose parents werent home and who was having a get together and was probably not going to tell me about it, and I basically forced her to let me over even though she was having this guy over because she wanted to like.. seduce him or some shit. So even with friends, you can be alone. That's why I'm so excited or college, it'll be totally different since every one will be doing their own thing.

[Pam]

Well, I used to think that way I used
to say that i was a loser and the
everyone hated me and that everyone
was avoiding me, but then I realized
that that because I wasnt opened I
wasnt doing something right and I was
looking for so much love from others
when I didnt even love myself! I need
to spend time alone to think about
these things and restart everything

But now I have friends and I love
my self and I
go places with my friends!

[Janelle]

A couple months ago I posted on this about how I felt the same. And I still do feel that way at times. But I have other friends who invite me places [i just dont like to go because i like being alone still]
But I have realized I am a loner, there is not denying that. I like to be alone it just makes me happy. But I do have friends [not many best friends]. I also have trust issuses so I dont tell people a lot of things just somethings. If they arent freaked out by that then I will continue to tell them things until they get freaked out and I wont talk to them as much. Or I just dont feel as close as I use to so I just stop talking to them for a while.
I still like being a loner though.
My best friend is also the guy I love and you know what? He still isn't even close to knowing all the crap im feeling. But I might let him know more...

[Elizabeth]

I am all alone, too. I have people to eat lunch with, people to talk to, but no best friend. VERY few people who are friends, but they are all either my sister's BEST friends, or people in my class. They have never been to my house. But it doesn't bother me as much as it does you. I AM a loner. I have trust issues, and there are many times I prefere to be alone. Though now I have a forum that I go to, and have a group of friends. You CAN'T fully trust someone on the internet, at least I can't, so that is no longer an issue.

[rachel]

it really scares me how much like my life this is, but scares me in a good way. the aftermath of my depression has left me feeling incredibly lonely. worse still, i've been like this, progressively getting worse for the past 4 years. i left school when i got depressed (those 4 years ago), and watched as i quickly lost contact with pretty much all my friends. it's amazing how easy that was, actually.. to just.. disappear. i had my friend who i'd been friends with since i was 12 get back into contact with me... and yet... i didn't feel as close to her as i could. and i mean ever since we first met. we're still 'friends' now, 'best friends' apparently. but she's self-aborbed and selfish, and at times just downright mean. the worst part is, i think i've hung onto her as my 'best friend' because she's all i've had. and i'm not even kidding. there is NO ONE else. the only thing i have that really keeps me sane is friends i've had online from the time i left school. there's a fair few i've stayed extremely good friends with, BEST friends in fact. these are people i hope to meet one day (plans are already underway for one ;] ). but other than that... i just go on everyday like this, alone in my room, on the computer. i feel pathetic; like a freak. and i don't have a job, so my mum's always hassling me about that. and yet, she doesn't seem to understand (as sympathetic as she can be) that i've forgotten how to interact with people. i get nervous, i clam up. when that happens, i just think 'well, i'm not meant to have friends i guess'. i just feel like everyone hates me, which is really, probably not true... but i can't help it. especially when people just don't act.. interested.

it's good to know others feel the same anyway. good to know that i'm not alone that way, but horrible that so many are going through this =,[ keep your heads high anyway. it'll get better eventually.

[insanityiscute]

i can relate 2 this. i get extremely lonely. almost as bad as in this comic. i dont feel like i'm decaying from the insiide out yet. but i'm stil really really lonely. i shouldnt be, i feel dumb for feeling like this. i have a bunch of bffs and finally a bf (: but wats the point if no1 answers? that's when the loneliness reall kicks in. i wonder if it has aything to do with being an only child... maybe. maybe not. all i'm saying is, i can relate...

[AmorMJ]

I was wondering... is this real? Do you really feel this way? Because you know you've always got your fans who would do anything to be your friend. Just saying just in case. :-)
We are with you Rachel, again, just in case.

[lyny]

okay.
so, i feel like this from time to time.
and i think everyone goes through this all the time.
i have friends that don't go to my school.
so i'm not like the girl in the comic, but sometimes i wish i was.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE OPPURTUNITIES AND CHANCES...if you want this to stop.
this usually happens when people have cliques and have known eachother for a bit or if you don't have this or that.
TRUST ME*
most popular people with all the goodies in life feel the same as you, and who would you really talk to personally when you have a whole crowd around you?

you have to find your own friends and don't start hanging out with the smokers and hoodies if that is not what you are interested in.

TAKE RISKS HONEY.
fuck your insecurites and what not,
make a list of all of your interests and see if your school or community center has anything like that going on.
GREAT WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS.

DOWN THE ROAD.
your going to meet real people and fake people.
and i know, i would talk to everyone and see if they would still treat me the same way outside of the classroom with their homies.

at assemblies sit at a spot that comforts you on the bleachers, don't sit next to a certain crowd, don't communicate with anyone until they communicate with you, that shows power girls!
if nobody sits next to you, cool.
be a leader not a follower.

and no matter what they wear or how many people they hang out with at lunch, be yourself.
don't be plastic.
be real with everyone.
and people will look up to you.

you won't be put into any category.
you will be __________.(your name)

_ lyny.

[lyny]

okay.
so, i feel like this all the time.
and i think everyone goes through this all the time.
i have friends that don't go to my school.
so i'm not like the girl in the comic, but sometimes i wish i was.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE OPPURTUNITIES AND CHANCES...if you want this to stop.
this usually happens when people have cliques and have known eachother for a bit or if you don't have this or that.
TRUST ME*
most popular people with all the goodies in life feel the same as you, and who would you really talk to personally when you have a whole crowd around you?

you have to find your own friends and don't start hanging out with the smokers and hoodies if that is not what you are interested in.

TAKE RISKS HONEY.
fuck your insecurites and what not,
make a list of all of your interests and see if your school or community center has anything like that going on.
GREAT WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS.

DOWN THE ROAD.
your going to meet real people and fake people.
and i know, i would talk to everyone and see if they would still treat me the same way outside of the classroom with their homies.

and no matter what they wear or how many people they hang out with at lunch, be yourself.
don't be plastic.
be real with everyone.
and people will look up to you.

you won't be put into any category.
you will be __________.(your name)

_ lyny.

[Twisted Plant]

that comic is so true,
at the moment i have friends.
but few years ago i changed school and i was an outkast.i finally found friends and then they left.
and it changed me. its really like in the picture 17 and 18."im nervous.i avoid other ppl"
I dont know how to talk to ppl anymore and i cant handel when somebodys nice to me.i can trust ppl anymore.
The worst thing is that i KNOW that im wrong and that they are ppl that like me and accept me,but im still so insecure and im always thinking that they talk bad about me or leave me in the end.

[Natasha]

This is my life exactly. I just feel so alone sometimes. The saddest result of my depression is my loss of motivation for school and for life. I want all the things other people have but then my brain automatically says 'what's the point?' My mom saved me from total depression. I still have thoughts about how alone I am and how pointless my life is, but I've actually started to have a little more faith in others. You have to remember that people do love you and that most people feel this way at some point in life. It can be hard but sometimes you need to talk just to hear yourself speak even if no one is listening because it does a lot of good for your sanity!!!

[claudia]

wow this is awsome, i feel the same way everyday specially at school and it's really painful to see how some people have really good friends to be with and im always alone .. i have friends but they're not close friends that i can talk to when i have a big problem or something, i see girls walking and calling each other bbf and i always get like..jealous i usually think *i wish i had a bff like them*, i just cant get along with people they all have friends and they dont worry about other people, at least now i know that im not the only one who feels this way.

[jfo]

This is one of the most amazing comics of Rachel's. I'm not 18 but I feel like I'm already going through this.
There are split seconds where I am genuinely happy with other people, but then I come back to that state where I feel out of place and find it harder to connect to people. There are people who seem to like me ok. But it's few. And I hate feeling so insecure and depressed, but it's practically impossible not to be and I find myself in a constant battle to be happy.
People need to wake up and really connect with people, and reach out to the people who are "outcast" cause they're the ones who need it most.

Yeah. But Rachel is a truly amazing artist, and seems like she has a very poetic soul and I admire that.

[Cotton1500]

This is so deep and amazing. Just because of this I am going to read 18 revolutions. I mean im not like this at all, but i touched me.

[Julie]

I really relate to this comic. I tried for so many years of my life to make friends, but it just never worked. I made acquaintances, but not really good friends. Now I just sit back and watch other people have friends. It kills me inside. It really hurts.
The worst part is when I casually mention that I don't have any friends in a conversation with someone and they REFUSE to believe me. They snap back and say that they are my friend, though they hardly ever speak to me unless I bother them first.
I haven't stopped caring, but I have stopped trying. I just wish this wasn't so painful.

[AWESOMENESS]

i thought this was me until today. I got a call from a friend who i don't hang out with as much. not like those bffs on tv, but i think we r turning into that bt idk i relate to this comic. i like it because at the end, she could have written her a new bff but she made it like real life

[moomoo]

this sounds a lot like me :(. my best friends are out of school so i barely see them. and everytime i see someone i think nice, i try to be friends with them, but they arent interested in more than a hello, and i feel like im nagging if i ask too much to hang out. i want friends so badly, i am a social girl like the girl in the comic, but i live like a loner.

[emilia]

This is such a sad and amazing comic. I've lived like this before, completely alone and an outcast, and it really hurts to think about that time even now. My life is so much better now - I have two best friends. (One I barely hang out with, but we've been through thick and thin together; the other one has a different girl she calls her best friend, but she's the first person I can ever remember truly being MYSELF around... it's amazing.)

Past that, I only have like two more friends who actually care about me. And my social life is almost nonexistent, so I still feel kind of alone sometimes. I get super jealous of the girls at my school who seem to have that whole tight-knit group thing going on, or are super popular. But hey, reading the comments here I realize that some of those girls might not be as happy as they seem. I'll try harder to be thankful for what I have.

[donnae]

i agree wit karen nd keep ur head up...i tried suicide so much timez but strangely it neva worked...den a gurl came nd was my frend nd believe or not she saved my lyf...we dont really talk any more but i believe people are in your life for a reason 2 help u get stronger den leave u wit wat u learned....i jus hope i can return the favor

[jenell]

i agree wit karen nd keep ur head up...i tried suicide so much timez but strangely it neva worked...den a gurl came nd was my frend nd believe or not she saved my lyf...we dont really talk any more but i believe people are in your life for a reason 2 help u get stronger den leave u wit wat u learned....i jus hope i can return the favor

[katie]

i pretty much feel like that everday of my life. people say that they are my friends, but i dont feel like they really are.

[karen]

this so totally used to be me. sometimes it still is, im just more open to the world. in the last three years ive been at three schools. i was at a private school, and had one friend there. she was my best friend since who knows when, and she's still one of my best friends, though i never talk to her. sad thing is, i havent seen her in almost a year. then last year i switched schools and the first like, month of school i was a total loner. i barely spoke to anyone. i had no life. then i spent the rest of the year between friends, they were all either fighting or had issues of their own, or i just felt left out so i stopped hanging out with them at all. finally i went to middle school this year and actually have friends. i have people to hang out with and i know for sure that they're my friends. but even now i sometimes feel like the girl in this comic. i just need time to think about either nothing or life, and i seclude myself from all life for the weekend. its so sad that some people dont have the will to change their lives, and turn things back around. try it, because you never what you'll get. you just might end your misery.

[Wow]

I can't believe how much I can relate to this comic! This girl is me in every single way. I feel the same way and I almost have the same hair cut! It makes me so sad...

[Hippiesque]

I've never felt quite that alone, but I have felt alone. Everyone around me has a "best" or closest friend... I have none. I have friends, but none all that close.

[Crysta A.]

This is the story of my life. I have plenty acquaintance, but no frieds. I don't text message or talk on the phone. I do not IM or get on Facebook. I have no friends. Everyone thinks I do but, they have never seen them. I am totally alone.
THIS IS NOT A STATE OF MIND. It is a horrible, lonely existence. If you think it's a mindframe, you obviously have people in your life.

[Unique]

Yes i feel exactly like this. At my old high school i knew a lot of people,...but no one talked to me. I only hung with one girl and that was because we had been bestfriends since the 6th grade. Even thought i had her, i was still depressed because no one else really talked to me. She was more popular and more people talked to her...and because of this they kinda thought of me as her sidekick. I wanted to go to a new school so bad because i just knew i would make new friends. My wish finally came true. The first couple of days at my new school was great because everyone wanted to get to know me. But then it got bad all over again because no one talked to me after those first couple of weeks. I mean i have 'friends' there but there not really 'friends'. And its especially hard trying to start over when your in high school. But sometimes i think it may just be me because i am very shy and i tend to wait for people to come up to me and if they dont then i wont talk to them. Maybe i should just work on MY social skills.

[The Sockmonkey]

This makes me cry. I feel like that every day and it's only gotten worse since I went off to college and became cut off from the few friends that I still talked to. Luckily I still have my boyfriend, but I don't get to talk to him very much and can only see him once or twice during breaks. It's so lonely here, I feel like nobody cares about me or about what I have to say. Except for the one friend I've made, I've basically stopped talking to everyone on campus. I've buried myself in my little world and hardly ever leave my room. It gets me by, but I know deep down, it's not the same.

[Ennie]

Wow. I really love this because this is just the way I feel. Luckily one of my friends noticed the way I felt like I was falling away from everything and he helped me through this but I still love this comic!

[brittany]

yupp i feel lonly sumtimes. i have friends but sumtimes its hard for me to feel close to them. everytime i find a good friend that i can get close 2 they end up leaving, i dnt like talkin to alot of people cus they be phony, they talk bout you behind yo back&& shit. smile in yo face type shit,..im not gon wright my whole life story[i want to but im not]- but i can relate to alot of the story...

[Blake]

Ya'll might want to consider some anti-depressants, or a vitamin/supplement like SAM-e like I'm taking. I've been mildly depressed half my life, and still managed to socialize and find three good friends. When we went to college, I was cut off from my old friends, but made six really good ones. I couldn't keep up academicaly, so I left. It's a military college, so I never saw any of the guys after that b/c they were busting their asses trying to get everything they needed to do done. That's when I went through a year just like this, and I finally started taking the SAM-e (I'm a stoic guy, so me taking something tells you it was bad. I mean, I'll work out to the point of vomiting or passing out, and there will be almost no change in my expression between "I'm just breathing a little hard" and "Oh god, no, no more, I'm dieing." I was REALLY depressed and lonely.). My room mate from there started hanging out with me again, now that his first year is over, and I'm getting involved in stuff that I liked before I got all depressed, like mechanics and wrestling(jui-jitsu), and I'm making friends there. As for friends leaving you, well, that's the nature of the beast (by beast, I mean friendship). You meet someone, eventually there will be a fair-well. There's nothing you can do to stop it, so just try to stretch it out as long as you can, and try to be ready and accept your friend's departure when the time comes.

[Maz]

I know to well how this feels.I can't feel close to anyone anymore...thankyou you may have just saved me from myself.

[Caira]

This is soo true i feel like this all the time and i wish some one would save me i have a lot of "friends" but there are two i really want to be my best friends and i drop hints and stuff but they are dense they dont notice and just keep pushing me away. it kills me inside and i want to be happy but thanx for the comic at least i'm not the only one.

[kimmy]

flora thank you. you posted something that i can relat to. i changed schools so many times and felt that way but the out cast thing was in my home town middle school. i had so many frends then they just slowly started to out cast me i gess i can call it. and i ended up failing that grade but they passed me anywaay cuz they sed it wasnt my falt. they called what the other kids were doing "clocking me."
i ended up with 1 frend. then i moved to florida in the following summer.and had alot of fun but didnt really have that many frend and the ones i did have werent very close 1s. as you did i started cutting when my frends
de-frended me and stoped caring about my grades. the school brought a profetional counseler in to the office to talk to me and make sure that i wasent clinicaly depressed. personally i think i was but they dont know about the cutting( nobody does exsept my best frend.)

[kimmy]

this comic actually made me cry a little. it just reminds me so much of myself only im fifteen. im computer schooled. i only have one friend that i talk to about once a month. im a bit over-wieght. im home all the time.i just dont care about me anymore or anything else in that matter. and i feel like everyone else feels the same way about me too. today i did something with my hair for the first time in probably a week or two. thats just pathedic isnt it. also i feel like its my moms falt. i feel like she dosent care at all. she goes to work. she gets to talk to her frends, gets to go places. but when we do get to go somewhere whith her iget all ready and stuff then she changes her mind and dosent even want to go anywhere. my dad rents movies on the weekends sometimes but there ususally dumb and boring anyway. and if my dad suggests to go somewhere or order food from somewhere it ends up being an argument between me him my sister and my mom. he says that he was thinking that he would get something for my mom and we can just figure something out to eat for dinner by our selves. and if he suggests to go somewhere like our grandma's house my mom says sure and i get ready then they change there minds an we dont go anyway. so i take along bath and usually cry. i just feel like my dad cares about my mom and thats it anymore. can anyone help me figure out what to do.

[flora]

Ive been like this for a long time. I switched schools to start over in a way, and I met the same fate i did before. Not because people refused to talk to me, but because I did have friends in the beginning, but they started to fade away, create trouble with me that i was unfamiliar with. Because Ive never had friends that couldn't deal with simple criticism the way i have to every day. I didn't know how to act around them and I lost them. By word of mouth, people started avoiding me. The whole school is silent to me. And sometimes I feel the rest of the world is too. There is a boy in my life, I really like him, and we're not dating, but I dont feel like i can trust him. He always seems to understand, hes been outcasted the way i have, but something seems wrong. He's even told me I'm beautiful before, and all i could say was "um, okay." Ive stopped calling him, my remaining friends, anyone. Ive just become so hypercritical of myself, more self conscious than i should be, its destroying me. No one I talk to seems to understand. Ive returned to cutting myself, starving myself, and resisting close to all my schoolwork. Then my parents yell and scream so i have a pain and sadness they can define. I act strange around people to start fights so I have a reason to be sad they can understand. Every day I wonder why I can't just be like every one else. And there's just no end in sight.

[Aaliyah]

I started at a new school and this has become me. I know what she means when she says that she has forgotten how to talk/act. Sometimes I go through the whole day without speaking to anyone, and then when I finally do, it feels weird to talk so then I act weird. Sometimes when I really can't take it, I fake sick so I don't have to go to school.

[jackie!]

a while ago, i was so unhappy and depressed, i wondered when i would break from all the self-hatred i felt. i'm in therapy now, and i've been feeling so much better. i don't ever want to go back to the loathing i felt.

[Maria]

i remember in elementary school i knew this girl who said she was my "BFF" she would call me and we would hang-out after school but it never felt right when ever i needed her she was never there so finally we went our separate ways...now im starting high school next year and i have a group of friends and one really close friend...she too felt all alone and still does sometimes...all her old friends were as fake as my old friend...i made new friends by never giving up...i joined a club that i didn't even think i would like ( soccer ) but i knew almost every girl on the team...we soon became close friends....so don't give up hope and if all else fails get a pet that will love you no matter what or even try charity work like being a big brother or sister to a kid that has no other family thats what i did and it helped alot